Age Appropriate

Earlier this week someone mentioned that Hannah's actions I had described sounded very 'age appropriate' and it's stuck with me ever since.

Age appropriate.

How, as a mom, am I supposed to know what is age appropriate as far as Hannah's behavior and development is concerned?

Do I take her to playgroups and compare her to other children her age?

I tried that.
They made me out to be the freak with the crawling/walking baby and even went so far as to accuse me of lying about her age.
Not the best experience...

It would seem to me that a pediatrician would be a good person to ask about 'Age Appropriate' skills and behaviors, but we only see her every 3 months and I think the visits are going to begin to spread out to every 6 months.

...  so who do you ask?

Perhaps a book.

A book can tell me the stages of development and what is common in each stage.  But it seems a little dry and, frankly, the time I have to read is minimal at best.  The advice also isn't catered to Hannah, but to the masses.

I would expect that children in quality day care centers would receive periodic feedback on how their child behaves while in their care, and how 'normal' it is for their age.

But what if they're not in a daycare?

It seems like there should be a baby whisperer that I can go to and let them observe Hannah exploring a room full of toys.  I'd like feedback as they watch her grab every stuffed animal/ball/random item she can possibly hold on to with her little hands.  I'd like to know if I should apologize to the child's mom when Hannah steals another kid's toy.  And what about this slapping thing she's gotten in to?  Is it just a matter of frustration and is giving her a stern "no ma'am" the best way to handle it?

Don't you think that parents should get more help in raising their children WELL?

I'm all for mom's groups and playdates, but with all the misinformation and throw back advice from older generations, I think more parents would benefit from periodic one on one discussion with a real professional.
I feel that it is my job to make sure Hannah grows into the bright, sweet little girl she has the potential to be, and because it's such a monumental task - I'm not above asking for input.   EDUCATED input.

You'd think that a preschool teacher or long term nanny would become a sort of baby consultant.

So I did some googling.
(I love Google.)

Search "Baby Development Consultant"

• One of the top responses is the website of Sara Shaw M.S. MFT.  She is a social emotional develoment consultant, but it states right on her main page that the population she serves is children that are facing changes in their home life such as divorce or difficulty at school.  She does have a page of links to helpful articles that I'll be looking through:  http://www.sarashaw.com/articles.html

Since most of my results seem to be geared towards treatment and evaluation AFTER a problem is apparent, I switched my search to:

"Encouraging Healthy Baby Development Consultant" and this caught my eye:

_____________________

DayOne || Parent Classes & Workshops

dayonecenter.com/classes/parent_classes_workshops/ 

Taught by an experienced sleep consultant, the workshop covers a baby's ... massage helpsbabies to sleep better, reduces fussiness, promotes healthy ... “How can I help my child'slanguage development, motor skills and social development? ... Promote eye coordination, muscle tone and strength; Encourage spontaneity ...

_____________________

It seems that the DayOne center in California has parenting classes that cover INTERESTING topics such as Finding a Presechool, Writing a Will or Trust, Photography Tips, Introducing Solids, Pumping and my favorite - DEVELOPMENTAL PLAY.

THIS is the type of interaction I'm {kindof} looking for.
I'd prefer more one-on-one, but mainly I'm looking for classes for parents that want to be proactive in teaching & raising their children instead of court mandated programs that are focused on treatment instead of prevention.

DayOne is not local so I'll have to search for something similar in the Portland, Oregon area, but it's a start.

I took all these classes before Hannah was born - breastfeeding basics, WEEKS of childbirth classes, CPR and first aid, etc etc etc.  Most were geared towards preparing for that ONE day of labor (or days and days in my case), But once Hannah actually GOT HERE I'm just expected to know it all.

We read and prepare so much to understand the 9+ months that we're pregant, and focus so much energy on the delivery, but shouldn't it be the next 18 years that we really prepare for?

Having a beautiful labor and delivery is a wonderful goal,

but if I had to choose

I'd rather have a csection and be a fabulous parent.

Thoughts?

9/11

Phantom Pain

Everyone knows that I own the title as the World Worst Pumping Mother.

Okay, I'm not THAT bad at it, but pumping has been a pretty dismal experience.  The best position that I've discovered to pump in while sitting in my car (in the backseat to take advantage of the privacy window tinting) is to attach the shields using a hands free bra, then to lean forward and rest my forehead against the driver's head rest.

It this position I've got a lot of things working for me:

~gravity~

The milk flows straight into the bottle and I don't want to worry about losing any if I break suction.

~privacy~

Regardless of the window tinting, I'm even more covered in this position which psychologically helps me to relax and not worry about passersby catching a glimpse of the girls.

~comfort~

It's a very comfortable position.  My knees are my armrest, I can relax my shoulders and I can close my eyes and try to cat nap.

~entertainment~

20 minutes is a long time to sit and think.  If I'm not in the mood to sleep, the next best thing I've found is playing a game on my iPod touch.  I tried Angry Birds and Cut the Rope (both of which are great games) but I wasn't able to relax during either one.  Sudoku however has been great for my production.  Although I'm trying to beat my high score (4:37 for a Medium difficulty game) it's more of a methodical mental challenge and I'm able to almost completely forget that I'm pumping only to look down and be surprised by how much I've expressed.  Fabulous.



Needless to say, the positives are numerous.

But there is one negative.

I get phantom kicks.

Phantom pain and phantom sensations are widely known to affect those that have gone through limb amputation, and are beginning to be recognized for those that has had an organ removed, but few discuss the phantom kicks you can feel after pregnancy.

Besides being a sweet reminder of your previous pregnancy, they cause you to scramble to a calendar to check your dates.  They make you question your sanity.  And they made me - on cycle day 1 mind you - take a pregnancy test.

Phantom kicks are vicious little things...

We've probably felt these little tingles and vibrations all our lives but never really noticed them.  Once your mind knows to attribute that sensation to a baby, however, I think that sensation becomes a hardwired connection to pregnancy.  In actuality it's probably just a uterine or abdominal muscle spasm, possibly even a little gas, but it will send a sane menstruating woman into a tailspin of "Am I Pregnant?" emotions.

Evil.

Perhaps the most evil of all though was when I had a phantom kick while talking to my RE.   ....

REALLY?!?!

Have you ever experienced phantom kicks? 

If so, how far postpartum were you and where is the strangest place you've experienced them? 

A Seemingly Impossible Choice

I didn't vlog much about my emotions before my 1st RE appointment when we were trying to conceive Hannah, so I'm not sure where my mind was at. 

{RE = reproductive endocrinologist aka fertiliy specialist}

My current situation is that I am 11.5 months postpartum from a Csection delivery of a healthy 9 1/2 pound baby girl. 

I'm on postpartum cycle 5 and the cycle length has been ranging from 21 days to 36 days. 

My concerns are numberous:

Although my cycle length is fairly consistant given that I'm only on pp cycle #5, the bleeding has been rediculous.  Heavy, clots, lasting for 14+ days some cycles, spotting nearly every day... and then extremely light this cycle.  Thus I'm concerned about my lining.

I'm concerned that I have been diagnosed with Factor V Leiden clotting disorder and might need to be on blood thinners throughout my pregnancy.

Because of the spotting and previous testing, I'm concerned about my progesterone level after conceiving and the affect that Metformin will have on it IF my RE prescribes me Metformin to control blood sugar levels.

I'm concerned about fitting in appointments now that I'm returning back to work full time and only have Mondays off during the work week.  If only my cycles would cooperate and ovulation would happen over my weekend......

Oh... and I'm still breastfeeding.

dun dun DUN!

Breastfeeding.

Fertility Medicine.

not an epic combo.



I'm VERY concerned that she'll want me to wean before taking fertility medication.

While I would gladly stop pumping at work {I loath pumping} I'm not sure that Hannah is ready to give up the act of nursing.  It still really comforts her and her needs have to come first.

I think Chris and I need to talk about our stance in preparation for what Dr. A might tell us.

Even if she doesn't want to start Clomid or Femara yet, I'll gladly go on Met for a few months and think about working to wean Hannah once she seems to lose interest. 

I just kindof wish I could have my cake and eat it too.

figuratively and literally.

but I think there's a donut in the kitchen....

Am I Infertile Enough?

I can't even believe that is a question I need to ask myself.

Am I infertile enough?

When someone is struggling with their diagnosis and needs a shoulder to cry on or a friend to email -
I know I'm infertile enough to be there for her.

I remember that moment. 
I remember the kick in the gut, the questioning of your body, and the guilt...  oh the guilt!


When someone has gone through their first failed cycle and is losing hope -
I know I'm infertile enough to be there for her.

I remember the fear that treatment might not work.
I remember the soul searching and the discussions of how we'd grow our family.


But at some point I have to look at my stats:
4 failed Clomid cycles
2 failed Femara cycles
2 failed IUIs
an HSG, an MRI, trigger shots, the looming thought of months of blood thinners, acupuncture sessions, basal thermometers, countless books on my shelf, browser bookmarks for local adoption agencies....   and Hannah.

Ultimately I have Hannah.
I think it leads people to believe that I'm no longer infertile.
That I've received my miracle and either:
1) I no longer remember or have the right to claim the pain of infertility or
2) that it would be cosmically unfair if I got pregnant for the second time before they conceived their first.


So this makes me questions - Am I infertile enough?

When a woman has gone through years of trying, multiple cycles of IVF and several painful procedures - am I infertile enough to point out when the pain has made her act toxic towards others?  Do I have that right?

When a woman experiences a pregnancy loss, am I infertile enough to be there for her?  To act like I understand?  To really appreciate what she's mourning?


Sometimes I'm not sure.

It shouldn't be a competition.
It shouldn't come down to who has gone through the most cycles, who has spent the most money, who has experienced the most heartache.

There should be a quiet understanding amongst anyone that has known the pain of infertility.

An understanding that the yearning can lead to jealousy,

the uncertainty can lead to hopelessness,

the pain can lead to resentment,

but the ultimate goal - a family - is worth the wait.

We're all in this together.

We're not struggling against each other, we're struggling alongside each other.
This is all the more reason why we need to support each other.

So the next time someone offers you genuine compassion, try not to question it.
You might have gone through more, and they might not understand exactly how you feel, but at its core Pain is Pain.  If someone wants to comfort you, try to be open enough to accept it.

The failure to do so says more about YOU than it does them.

I supposed the question shouldn't be 'Am I Infertile Enough?' but 'Am I Loving Enough?"
Can you recognize their pain and be empathetic to their situation?
Can you appreciate their struggle and the toll it has taken on their heart?
Can you give them the time and love and care that they deserve?

Can you offer hope in a moment of hopelessness?



... I try.