Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Foster Care Sucks

Yesterday I posted an entry about the more heartwarming side of Foster Care, but today I just don't have it in me.

It's 11:15pm and I've just spent the past two hours trying - in vain - to calm my foster son *Jason down.  He went to bed at 8pm exhausted after a long day which I'll get into later, and soon after woke up screaming.  I got him back to sleep, but every time he dozed off he'd jolt back awake in terror.  

Now, it's my opinion that *Jason has some sort of undiagnosed sensory processing disorder.  His doctors have hinted at it, and his special education teacher is working with him on his sensory seeking behavior.  But without a diagnosis to Google (let's just be honest about Dr Google okay?  We all do it.) and in the absence of anyone taking the time to figure out what Jason's challenges are, I'm basically parenting by instinct.

Which sucks.

Added to this is the fact that my caseworker is perhaps the worst communicator on the face of the planet.  No really, she is.

I send one weekly email update for *Jason, and it serves three purposes:
(1) A written record of behaviors and patterns.
(2) To show that *Jason is getting the services the State has provided and is attending medical appointments as needed.  (This is also known as the "I'm doing my job" purpose.)
(3) To remind the caseworker that he exists.

This sounds harsh, I know, but I have sent SIX weekly updates complete with important questions about his care and have never gotten a reply or answer to a single question.
At the one month mark I called up my certifier to discuss this.  I made it clear that I hadn't gone to the caseworker's supervisor yet because I didn't want to get her in trouble, but that I was frustrated with the lack of communication.  The next day I got a voicemail from caseworker saying that she would be better at responding to my questions.

That was the last time I heard from her and she still hasn't answered any questions.

So today was a long day because he had his weekly 3 hour visit with mom.  
And just like every other week he left for the visit a happy boy and returned angry and upset.  He threw his dinner across the room, had multiple tantrums, and no amount of calming him down or hugs or a warm bath or anything made him feel better.  He's speech delayed so he can't tell me what he's feeling or express himself.  And now I'm up trying to console him and prevent him from waking everyone up with his screams.

And this happens every week after visits.
And in a few days he's back to being happy *Jason.
... Just in time for the next visit.

I don't want to be that person that takes the stance that these visits aren't in his best interest.  I'd much rather assume that it's returning to MY home and not staying with his biological mom that is setting him off.  But given what I know about the case history and what I know about how *Jason responds to things, I just don't think that's true.  I think he's reminded every week of the neglect and abuse.

It's heartbreaking, and frustrating, and exhausting to sit up with him like this.
It's moments like this where Foster Care sucks.  

I'm angry at this whole system - 
That more isn't being done to help *Jason thrive and that I don't have the tools I need.  
That my caseworker is either so overworked or so apathetic that she's never available.  
That every week I send him off to visits knowing that he's going to come back even more traumatized than when he left.  
That I can't have a conversation with him about how he feels because he can't speak the words, and yet he's only receiving the bare minimum of speech therapy despite my complaints. 

I always try to see the bright side of things and today I just can't.  
There isn't a bright spot here. 
And don't be fooled - I'm not the bright spot.  
Him being here, in our home, isn't the bright spot.  
That 'I care enough to sit up with him' isn't a bright spot.  
That's the least I can do to comfort a three year old child stuck in a system that isn't serving him.
Having someone hold him through his nightmares is a mere bandaid on a broken situation.  
It barely even registers as a flicker.

Foster Care sucks.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Christmas Stockings in September

Foster Parenting changes your life in obvious ways. Rearranging car seats to include the newest child and lengthening the time it takes to finish the bedtime routine because there's another bath to take and set of teeth to brush.

These day to day things are expected.

But at 2am when I'm nursing my baby by iPad light and perusing Christmas pajamas, I realize just how unknown the future is when fostering.

We are currently caring for two toddler boys that came to us from separate families in crisis. They are polar opposites all the way from their complexion to their personalities and temperaments, down to the way they respond to discipline and rewards. They couldn't be more different but I love them both very much.

I braved Costco on Saturday with all five kiddos (Hannah, William, Logan, *Jason, *Sawyer *not their real names) while Chris was at work. Chaotic, yes, but once everyone was in the shopping cart and we were walking the aisles it was great. They found these toy Tonka trucks that lit up and had sounds, and the three toddlers (aka Musketeers) couldn't decide which ones they liked more.

I immediately noted that they'd be great Christmas presents, and could envision three trucks with big bows just sitting at the bottom of the tree as the boys ran in on Christmas morning. The excitement and noise would kick the day off with a burst of joy.

But my excitement was quickly tempered.

The thing about fostering is that I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

Just as I don't know when to expect a call about a child that needs a safe home, I don't know when my current kiddos will leave. It often happens when you least expect it.

So when I'm flipping ahead in my calendar and making notes, there's always a tentativeness to my plans.

Will they spend Halloween with my family or theirs? Thanksgiving? Should I buy them matching pajamas to open on Christmas Eve, or a stocking with their name on it to hang on the mantle?
 Or will they have those with their bio family?

It's such a frivolous concern when there are such huge questions looming over these children and their futures. The caseworkers and lawyers and parents are all making big decisions for these little boys.  I just want what's best for them - be that mom or dad or adoption, I'll let the courts take everything into account and decide.

So while I don't have much say in what happens in the future, I do have the opportunity to make sure they know Love every day they're here.

When I order Logan's Christmas stocking I'll order their's too.
When I decide on a set of family jammies to open after church and before hot cocoa, I'll order their size too - And if they leave before they have a chance to use them, well then I'll lovingly tuck them into their suitcase alongside the note for their mom about how much I loved their son and what a blessing he was in my life.

and I'll cry, just like I've done in the past.
and I'll stay up nights worrying and praying for them.
and I'll answer the phone the next time a child needs a home
and I'll do it all over again.

Because that's the thing about being a foster mom:  These children are amazing.  They deserve to have someone up late at night planning ways to make them smile and feel loved - and I hope, I hope from the very bottom of my heart, that is exactly what their mom is doing while she works to get them back.  However, I learned a long time ago that the only person I can control is myself.
So regardless of what everyone else in *Jason and *Sawyer's life is doing, I'm up at 2am in September picking out their Christmas stockings, because if they're here on that magical morning, then I won't have them feeling like anything less than a loved member of our family.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Chicco NaturalFit Bottle Review - ENTER TO WIN!

I'm a big breastfeeding advocate.  I nursed Hannah for 14 months, William for 22 months, and if I continue this pattern then Logan won't wean until he's two and a half!  That said, I also appreciate the freedom that a bottle gives me every once in a while.  From running to the store all by myself, or attending a meeting sans baby, there are times when bottle feeding is easier for my family.

When I was asked last Spring to be a Sunday School teacher this Fall I knew it would take some juggling.  Not only were we due in July with baby #3, but we're foster parents so we usually have a couple extra littles in tow.  I planned to pump for Church and began searching for a great bottle when, in a stroke of awesome timing, it found me.

I participated in an Influencer Activation on behalf of Influence Central for Chicco. I received product samples to facilitate my review and a promotional item to thank me for my participation.

Babies R Us Display

I tested out the Chicco NaturalFit Stage 1 bottle with Logan and instantly liked it.  The nipple is made of a soft silicone and is shaped similar to a breast, so it's easier for a breastfed baby to transition to.

But I loved the angled nipple the most!  Because of the angle the nipple stays full of milk so the baby ingests less air.  My husband appreciated the the bottle was easy to assemble.  Just three pieces plus the lid.  The twin anti-colic valves are built into the nipple, so there wasn't any extra pieces.

Here's a close up of the nipple.  Isn't that a great shape?   Bonus - Chicco has a 100% guarantee on all their NaturalFit bottles.  If you're not satisfied they'll refund the cost of the bottle PLUS shipping!

The NaturalFit bottle line grows with your baby.  The Stage 2 nipple is straight with an adjustable flow, and the Stage 3 nipple allows for tighter lip support and is elongated to better fit an older baby's suckle and swallow pattern.  The bottle size increases as the baby gets older, and I found the bottle shape easy to hold and clean.

Chris has his hands full on Sundays, but I snapped this picture of Logan during Hannah's gymnastic's class while William and our foster son ran around the playground.  Isn't he cute?  He turned 2 months old yesterday.  Time is flying!

Influence Central is hosting a contest through which your readers can enter to win one of 18 tiered Chicco Prize Packs:
o Three Tier 1 Prize Packs valued at $439.98
o Five Tier 2 prize packs valued at $189.98
o Ten Tier 3 prize packs valued at $59.99
Contest closes September 30, 2015 so enter quickly:  Chicco Natural Fit Contest!
*I-C will randomly select 18 winners from all tiered program entries and will handle fulfillment of the winning prizes.



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