Thursday, December 16, 2010

How Hard Is It?

My evil twin has been showing up more and more lately.
She's awful.
She's a yeller and a nagger and stressed and mean.
And my husband is one of the few people that can see her.

She appeared this morning.

It all started with a bottle on the drying rack.

It wasn't clean.

How hard is it to clean out a bottle!?
Soap, hot water, a bottle brush and a little elbow grease.
It's not hard at all.
Know how I know?
I know because I rewashed all of them this morning instead of doing my hair and makeup for work. Beauty.

Every {work}night, after pumping 3+ times over the course of the day, I hand my pump bag to Chris and it's his job to prep Hannah's bottles and clean the pump parts. He does this so that I can spend a few minutes with her before eating dinner.

We agreed that this was one chore he could take off my plate.
But what's the point if he doesn't do it up to my standards?
Now I know that sentance sounds a little harsh, but we're talking about BOTTLES here. There are food born illnesses and nasties and my little baby's tummy at stake here. He can vaccuum or fold laundry craptastically all he wants. My standards for those things have decreased significantly since Hannah arrived.
But when the bottles were still greasy this morning I lost it.
I didn't set aside time this morning to clean them because Chris 'cleaned' them last night.
So I washed them myself. And then I yelled.

Part of me feels bad.
He tried.
I realize that.

I think it goes back to all this pressure I'm feeling about my milk supply.
Since going back to work, it hasn't been great.
I spend all day either pumping, or charting what I pump, or on the phone with mom/Chris finding out how she's doing {how much she's eating} or figuring out when I need to pump next or trying to figure out if I manage to add a FOURTH pumping session to my work day somehow, would THAT give me enough milk to feed her tomorrow.
It's stressful. But it's stress I'm willing to deal with because I'm committed to breastfeeding her.

But since I spend 6am to 6pm stressing about pumping breastmilk, all I want to do when I get home to pop a boob in her mouth and stare at her, not at my pump and dirty bottles.

So, see, I NEED Chris to wash that bottle correctly.
Because when he doesn't Crazy Carla comes out and concludes that he doesn't appreciate all the effort I put into to providing milk for her.
And that's not true.
He does.

I just have an evil twin that likes to come out when I'm sleep deprived and stressed out.

... and I hate pumping.

... and working.


When I'm sitting at work and stop to think of all that I need to do, I find myself SO overwhelmed.

I haven't wrapped a single Christmas present yet. They're all piled up in Hannah's room under her little Christmas tree and I refuse to bring them out to the living room until they've been wrapped in their blue and white paper that I bought to match my fabulous Christmas tree.

I made us all new matching stockings since it's Hannah's first Christmas, but while I finished two, I still need to sew the third and find a place to hang all three.

I need to finish Christopher's Christmas present. He's been wearing a beaded necklace as long as I can remember. He never takes it off and since his last one broke he's kindof looked naked. I bought the beads, unbreakable string and the findings, but I just need to sit down and MAKE it.

I've filmed TONS of vlogs for YouTube, but I just have to find time to sit down and acutally edit and upload them.

I freakin' love cloth diapering but I really need to contribute more videos to the Cloth Diaper collaboration channel. I've been such a craptacular collab member and feel awful about it.

I should keep a cleaner house.

I should really work on the Christmas letter and send those out since I'll be putting Hannah's birth announcement in the same envelope and she's already almost 3 months old.

I HAVE to take her 3 month pictures this weekend. Everyone was sick and in a grumpy mood when she turned 2 months and I didn't get great shots. I CANNOT miss another month.

I'm just stressed and would love to hit the pause button and get caught up, but it probably won't happen. If the world stopped for an hour, a week, a month, I'd just spend it with her instead of checking things off my to-do list.

I'm so in awe of her that just THINKING about her right now has me tearing up.

If the presents don't get wrapped, if the stockings don't get hung, if gifts are given after the 25th and my cards don't arrive until after the new year, if I'm 6 weeks behind on YouTube vlogs and her 3 month pictures are really her 3.25 month pictures, please know that it's because I was busy snuggling with my little girl.

I just don't want to take a single minute with her for granted.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

{Worst} Employee of the Month

I really need to be a better employee.

I have such a bad attitude towards work right now.

I admit that I hate that I'm a working mother.

Just thinking that makes me feel guilty on so many levels.

I feel guilty that I'm not at home with Hannah.

I feel guilty that I'm not more focused while I'm at work
but all I want to do is get home to Hannah.

I feel guilty that I'm not more appreciative of the fact
that I HAVE a job that we NEED me to have.

Then I feel guilty that I wish I could put all the
income earning weight on my husband's shoulders.

It would be great if I was gracefully accepting the situation but,
at 4 weeks into my role as a working mother, I'm just not there yet.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Party Animals

Tonight we hosted our first party as parents.

I really like to entertain and love reading hostess blogs for new tablescape ideas, but the thought of accomplishing all of this with a 2.5 month old was extremely daunting. Also, since we're the "new parents" in the group, Chris is concerned with not being hip anymore (not that he was all that hip before, but on occasion, he could be very cool. Do people say 'cool' anymore? Probably only unhip new parents like me.) ANYWAY I digress.

It was a holiday party for Christopher's coworkers and based on the previous culinary confections I had sent him to work with, the expectations were high. I made cake balls, homemade English toffee, triple chocolate chip cookies, whipped up a heaping punch bowl of Martha's egg nog (with 5 and a half CUPS of hard alcohol and a dozen eggs in it. YEOUCH!) and had a dazzeling Bellini bar set up.

I spent all day getting ready for the party, and yet my favorite part was listening to the overlapping conversations in the kitchen while having a silent one with Hannah in the nursery.

His coworkers are perfectly lovely and some are so funny that I cry from laughter, but nothing beats nursing my little party animal in her leopard print dress. She's so cute that I can't wait to have a whole house full of beautiful babies like her. Spaced out over years, not all in one pregnancy, please.

As we waved goodbye to the final guest, and with Hannah asleep in her crib, we deemed the night a huge success.



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